face-to-face

Well, I took Closet's advice to heart.

Anyway, I was out at an event for a few hours when D tracked me down and tried to strike up a conversation, of which I kept shooting her down. I completely snubbed her, so with each attempt in trying to talk to me, I just turned away and pretended as though she didn't exist, which was rather awkward.

After the event was over I felt a little guilty for treating her so badly without any explanation I felt inclined to send her an e-mail or give her a call. However, in my guilty and depressed state I felt as though it would be best to sleep on that decision and see if the following morning I would still feel inclined to contact her.
So in order to keep myself occupied I made plans with friends, even though those plans were things I wasn't even remotely interested in. Eventually I found myself sitting on a couch at a friends house as he played video games and I stared off into space thinking about D.

It was about 1 am and I decided to call it a night. I told him I was leaving and started my return home. I drove slowly down the road in a nostalgic haze, thinking about all the good and bad times D and I shared.
As I pulled into my driveway I heard my cellphone ringing, I searched around for the phone secretly hoping that it was her calling. I couldn't find it though, I noticed that the ring sounded faint and far away. I opened the car door and saw my phone resting near an open window in my house. I had left my phone at home and didn't even realize it.

I ran upstairs and retrieved the phone moments after the final ring. It said that I had missed 3 calls, I checked who they were from, they were all from her.
I called her back,
"Hey," I started.
"Hey, I didn't think you were gonna call me back."
"Yeah..."
"So about today..." she began.
"I was meaning to.. well, I dunno."
"Do you want to talk in person?" she asked.

With some hesitation I agreed.
I went and picked her up, I saw her silhouette emerge from the darkness as I idled on the street near her room. I looked back to the steering wheel as she entered the car.
"Hey," she meekly sputtered out.
I didn't respond.

I drove to a vacant parking lot and stopped the car, we hadn't exchanged any words. As the engine rumbled out I couldn't figure out why I was there. I had been so dead set on not seeing her, not talking to her, just avoiding everything D-related, and here I was sitting beside her in my car at 1:30am. I knew that the situation was awkward and that I needed to say something, but I knew that the moment I started speaking and the moment I looked at her I'd probably fall right back into the whole mess.
A minute or so of silence passed and I could tell she didn't know what I was thinking and to be honest, I didn't know what I was thinking either.

I opened the door and got out of the car, I heard her call out my name just as I slammed the door. I walked around the back of the car and opened the passenger door, she looked up at me with a confused expression on her face. I stood there a moment holding the door when she got out from the seat, as she did I threw my arms around her and hugged her tightly. Her arms were still at her sides, as though she was shocked that I was hugging her opposed to yelling at her or something of the like.
I felt her slowly wrap her arms around me and she held me close burying her face into my chest. A moment later I shifted away and she took my arm and pulled me in for a kiss, but I turned my head and dodged to the side as I snapped my hand back. I walked back to the drivers side and got back into the car.

I then began explaining why I was avoiding her, she took my hand and started caressing it. I didn't pay much attention to it as I continued. A bit later she unzipped my track jacket and started rubbing my chest with her palm. I stopped to poke fun at the situation, in how I was explaining to her why I was avoiding her and she didn't seem as though she was listening at all. Although, it was good to be touched again, since it had been months since the last time I had any female contact.

It got later and later and I felt my inhibitions lowering and lowering. I reached a point where I knew that if I stayed in the car any longer I would have done something I would have regretted. So I drove her back to her room and before she got out of the car she hesitated, I knew that she wanted something more to happen, but I knew that it shouldn't.
She took my hand again and said, "well, I'll see you around I guess,"
I explained to her that I only met with her to explain what was going on with me, this didn't mean that we were friends again or things between her and I were at all good. She seemed a little confused by me and I told her that, "Once I've had sex with someone, it tends to complicate things."
she responded, "well, I wouldn't know, I've only had sex with one other person... but him and I aren't on speaking terms, so I know what you mean, I guess."

There was another pause, "so, this is just going to fade away, isn't it?" she asked, hoping I would say no. But I responded with, "well, yeah.. that's kind of the point," even though I did want to reassure her that everything would work out in the end, but I knew things between her and I were at a point where they could only get worse.
She clutched my hand tightly with both palms, as though she wanted to say something but couldn't. She then silently exited the car and walked into the night without looking back.

I was a little saddened to see her go, but at the same time I felt like it was for the best.

The next day she called me to tell me she wasn't going to call me again, I thought it was an ironic way of telling me that, but I agreed. However, the following day she called me just to say hi and so on for the next few days, all of which I was fairly removed from.

One night she called while I was playing video games, she sounded upset, but I was completely unresponsive. As she tried to continue the conversation I cut her off and told her I was busy, she seemed upset and let me get off the phone. 5 minutes later I called her back, feeling a little guilty, but she had turned her phone off. I left a message just saying hi and if she wanted to talk, we could.

The following day I got a missed call when I woke up, so I called her (thinking she had called me), but it turned out that she hadn't. I felt kind of stupid calling her by accident, but she was happy to hear from me. She asked what I was doing that day, I told her I was rehearsing some dance stuff in a studio. We continued talking for a few minutes until she entered the studio I was in and we continued our conversation in person.
We agreed to see each other and talk more that night, since we both had things to do during the day.

We met up again that night and had an awkward meeting, making small-talk and both pretending everything was alright, being civil and all. At one point she put her arm around me and held me tightly as we spoke, she kept putting her face closer and closer to mine making it abundantly clear that she wanted more.

We carried on conversation about the scenery, the weather, and other uninteresting subjects. I kept stealing glances of her face as she spoke, admiring her full lips and button nose. As she made herself closer and closer to me I eventually cracked, took her chin in my palm and turned her head towards mine. I leaned in and kissed her just for an instant.
I immediately looked down and felt guilty for breaking the promise I made to myself that I wouldn't drag myself back into this. I saw her smiling, looking ecstatic that we had kissed again, but at the same time trying to hide her glee.
She leaned in to kiss me and I hesitated, she then lowered her head and started kissing my neck. It felt good to be physically close to her again, too good.

We went back to my car and started fooling around a bit until I realized that my car is cramped and I'm not that flexible, so I drove back to my house.
I took her by the hand and led her to a couch in my living room, she happily followed. I plopped down on the couch and she jumped on top of me. As we kissed I took her clothes off and she did the same to me. Once we were both naked she immediately started stroking my member while watching me intensely. It felt like it was the first time I had been touched and I was completely out of control. I just laid back feeling paralyzed under the waves of pleasure pounding against me.

I eventually regained control of my body and pinned her down under me, I paused a moment above her, since I didn't know what she wanted to do. She then reached her arm up under me and gently cupped my ::ahem::, then glided her palm to my shaft and pulled me into her.
(I put on a condom)
and we started grinding against each other. The first time we had sex she seemed like a deer in the headlights, frozen and afraid. The second she seemed a little more comfortable, but this time she was grinding against me hard while gripping my back tightly. She pulled me down and began cooing with pleasure and breathing heavily. Toward the end she began saying my name over and over again as the pushes got harder and harder. I gripped her tightly and my upper body locked as my lower half pressed into her uncontrollably.

After it was finished I slumped off of her and we laid there on the couch looking into each other's eyes as she caressed my cheek with her left hand...

...and I didn't feel guilty anymore...
no..
I felt stupid and weak.


**she's still with her boyfriend**
(I forgot to mention)