What masking is to me (over the years)

Backstory:

My first love/fetish was latex and anything shiny, then as a teen I came across some kigurumi and fell in love with the masking in general.

It wasn't until years and years later did I buy my first catsuit, which quickly led to female masks.Then I started this blog, mostly to explain my fetish to my girlfriend at the time and to help contribute back into the community.
After we broke up I started taking more videos and putting them up on the internet. At this point masking and latex became interwoven with my professional life, seeing masking and dressing as a means to making money. This sort of ruined the fetish for me for a while. I amassed lots of gear, but I found myself more and more often feeling obligated to mask, even at times when I didn't feel like it. This then led to a period of my life where I was going through bouts of feeling down and depressed. I noticed that when I masked, I wouldn't feel depressed anymore, however sometimes even while masking I would get disappointed. The combination of all these things led me to quitting masking altogether for a number of years. 

When getting back into masking, I told myself that I wasn't going to be sharing things online again, like I was in the past, I'd do it just for myself. I think this was the right way to approach it, since without the pressure of other's expectations, it helped me focus more on the moment when I was masking and looking at the camera as a means to fully experience and capture myself dressing, as opposed to a way to make some money. 

What masking is to me:
When I dress I find it to be a mix of totally sexual, completely uncomfortable and frustrating. The process of putting on a mask, eye makeup,  eye lashes prepping the wig, etc etc. These are all fun things. However, to me, I'm not masking properly unless I'm 100 covered in rubber. So the process of wriggling into silicone is such a long and difficult process, however the payoff is the pictures I achieve and also when I look in the mirror my brain gets delightfully confused looking at the silicone girl staring back at me.
The drawback to the silicone suit and padding and suits in general, is that it takes center-stage when dressing. By the time I have the suit on, I'm already 1-2 hours into the dressing process and I'm covered in sweat, so putting on the make-up and mask is almost an after-thought, which I don't particularly like. 

As of recently I'd say about 50% of the time I'm really pleased with the way the look turns out and I'm happy and turned on and everything is great. However, the other 50% of the time, I feel disappointed with the look and will either keep dressing until I'm satisfied or just snap a few shots and admit defeat. 

When I'm looking at my own pictures, I find them to be really sexual and exciting or disappointing (and I don't share those, most of the time). However, when I look at others masking, I either find it to be tremendously sexy or I'm amazed at the engineering involved (particularly good wig-work, make up, blending of the eyes, body-shape, etc.). 

As a whole, I would say that masking is sexual (by nature) for me at least. My inroad to masking was through latex and total enclosure, so wearing a female mask is akin to wearing a latex gimp-mask. Wearing the silicone suit or a latex suit is comparable to, well, wearing a latex or silicone suit, I find these materials to be extremely erotic on their own. So when I mask, yes part of the goal is to look good and to try my best to "pass" or approach a doll-like uncanny valley. However the other goal is the sensation of being fully enclosed in stretchy, gummy, unforgiving material. There tends to always reach a point when I'm fully mask/suited where I become fully present and everything becomes somehow erotic, even watching TV, cleaning, etc. Unfortunately, with the bodysuits, it makes going to the bathroom virtually impossible, so my sessions need to be brief. I wish I could suit all-day, but unfortunately that is not an option given how I dress right now. 

The biggest cons with dressing in silicone is that the CreaFX masks are very delicate and given how large my head is, they can only sustain so many wears before ripping. The same can be said about the Eyung silicone bodysuits. I've ripped the zipper suits I own a good number of times and have always needed to patch them after dressing, the same can be said about the masks I've been using. This has led me to trying to dress more in the zipperless bodysuit I have from Eyung, however just yesterday when dressing two holes appeared in the neck, then upon taking it off these two small holes turned into a very large hole. This means I will need to cut off about 5 inches off the neck, which I am not looking forward to doing, since it will impact the structural integrity of the suit, however leaving the hole makes the rip-risk even higher.
These rips give me anxiety, since I'm afraid that if it rips enough it will render the suit un-usable and the same can be said about the masks. I sometimes feel like "I'm really me" (in this sexualized yet mundane and honest sort of way) when I'm dressing, then when undressing it's disappointing to remember that to be "myself" I need to be paying thousands of dollars for these products that are great! but have a very clear shelf-life and will need to be replaced periodically. Just due to the material and the stress that is put on them. 

My big frustration with masking in general is that it's so tremendously expensive (the way I do it at least) and even after paying these expenses, these items need to be replaced fairly regularly. I kind of envy people who are into rope and bondage, because when you buy rope or a D-ring or cuffs, etc. these items with some minimal maintenance will last for years and years, while it seems like the masks will last me about 8 months to a year with very infrequent wear and the bodysuits have lasted from 2-wears to now about 6 (with the zipperless suit that is now ripping). This is the whole reason I charge for my videos, it actually frustrates me that I feel like I'm gouging people with my same sexual interest as me, but even for me the best take-away from a dressing session are the pictures and videos themselves. I enjoy watching my own videos, since I get the enjoyment of seeing a body covered in silicone without the discomfort of putting on/taking it off, but I also paid for it in that I literally paid for all the items I'm wearing (and ripping and wearing out) in the video. So it seems fair that if people also want to share in this moment with me (wearing usually about 2K USD worth of gear/garments) to have them help chip-in a little bit, so that can help me pay for the next suit/mask that I will need when these inevitably break down. Also, even with all the sales I do make on my videos, it generally covers maybe 5-15% of total costs. So I'm certainly no longer looking to get rich or feel obligated to those who contribute, I'm just hoping that through sharing others who enjoy it can help shoulder that financial burden for me, just a little.

Another thing I like about masking (as opposed to my latex fetish) is that it's something I can do, pretty much to it's fullest degree while I'm by myself. With latex I've always felt like I'm constantly pressuring my partner into dressing for me. Then when they do dress, a lot of the fun is taken out of it cause they're uncomfortable and take this attitude of "are you f*king happy now?" which doesn't really get me in the mood. So in a way, it's nice that much of my sexuality rests in my own hands and I don't need to be compromising my life/time with someone just to experience sexual satisfaction. The drawback is that I'm not highly motivated to find and keep a partner, since I think most people want a partner as a means to having sex or sexual satisfaction, where I don't feel such pressure since I've found that masking feeds a sexual side of me that can't be achieved through basic normal sex or even kinky latex sex. 

But long-story short, I find masking to be sexual all/most of the time, since I see the material itself as being erotic. I think there is a divide (probably more than just one) between maskers who are into the gear and the fetish of it and those who want to be outside and to pass. I fall into the first category, where I want the rubber and the sweat and the discomfort. However, if you fall into the second category, good for you! You're probably more on the trans-spectrum than I am and I respect that a lot, however I think that those who want to be out in public while femmed out, masking may just be a stepping stone for them to fully realizing their sexual identity. Or it could be a mix of masking and exhibitionism, while my mix is masking a rubber-fetish. Either way, it's all good! I just wanted to share my personal feelings on masking. Thanks for reading!